Heart Warrior: The night the world ended, but actually, kinda sorta didn't.

My name is Paul, and I am a Heart Warrior.

I remember the journey to London.

I remember shutting the door to my room.

I remember laying all my cuddly toys out. 

I remember the anaesthetist visiting to talk to me. 

I remember she asked me if I was sure. 

I remember saying yes, even though it was really a no. 

I remember asking which team Dr Anderson supported. 

I remember signing the consent form. 

I remember wondering if I had put the wrong name down. 

I remember hoping to see one last beautiful sunset. 

I remember laughing to myself that St Thomas' main building blocked that chance. 

I remember calling all my closest friends.
I remember thinking how much I loved them all. 

I remember oddly not having any problems falling asleep. 

I remember waking up. 

I remember getting washed and ready into my gown. 

I remember seeing some of family on the ward wishing me well.
I remember the nurse telling me they were ready for me.
I remember thinking, this is it.
I remember putting all my lucky cuddly toys at the base of my bed.
I remember being wheeled down to surgery.
I remember seeing the doors to the theatre.
I remember them saying to my mum and dad, they can't go any further.
I remember thinking I would gladly give my life for any of my family.
I remember saying goodbye to my Mum and Dad.
I remember Dr Anderson asking me if I had any second thoughts.
I remember saying no, and thanking him for all he has done for me.
I remember telling him that regardless, I've had a good life.
I remember him staring at me and saying 'It's not over yet.'
I remember the anaesthetist moving my cuddly toys off the bed and onto a shelf.
I remember looking up at them as I fell asleep.
I remember looking at my rescue ranger just as I drifted off.
I remember seeing his nose, sewn on upside down by my grandad.

I wish I could forget waking up feeling so frightened.
I wish I could forget the pain.
I wish I could forget that ITU had no windows, it felt dark and cold.
I wish I could forget telling the ITU nurse she was a like the galaxy and beyond.
I wish I could forget asking her to marry me.
I wish I could forget, wait. No. What happens in ITU stays in ITU.

Anyway.

I wish I could forget the first time my rib cage moved.
I wish I could forget the shaking in fear that my operation hadn't worked.
I wish I could forget the worry and stress I caused my family.
I wish I could forget looking in the mirror for the first time and being horrified at my scars.
I wish I could forget thinking I looked like Frankensteins monster.

To be honest. I wish I could forget the whole thing ever happened, because it was traumatic and horrifying.

It has enabled me to have a beautiful family. I have a job that yes, stresses me out sometimes. But I literally work with the frickin Avengers. The Justice League of the south coast. I laugh everyday. Sometimes at things I shouldn't laugh at, things that are highly inappropriate. My son thinks that's there is only one type of bird. He doesn't realise or comprehend that there are hundreds of different birds. Everything with wings is a duck. I once tried to poach an egg in a kettle in a sandwich bag.

I GENUINELY THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

I apologise to people sometimes before I say hello. I literally say, 'sorry, hello'.

I have this thing that if someone comes round my house, I will offer them everything. I'm like the BEST HOST EVER. Would you like a drink? Some food? A wife and kids? A blood transfusion?

I say what is in my head. I will literally think or feel something, and then say it. Sometimes when there is nobody around.

Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of my 2nd open heart surgery. What I'm getting at, is that the trauma, the event, the happening. It made me. I'm not good looking, I walk like a penguin. I eat loudly. The human condition and emotion still confuses me so much. I struggle so much translating feelings into words.

I am Paul. Paul is what happens when trauma happens to Paul. I hope you're a fan.

Until next time...